Memorial Service

I am attending yet another memorial service tomorrow. I have worked in a church for almost 15 years. During that time I have become very close to many of the members. In the past 3 weeks we have lost 3 members. It is an older congregation but it is heartbreaking to keep losing so many so close together. Tomorrow the memorial service is for a lady that was one of the first that welcomed me to the church back in 1993. She was very outspoken and honest throughout the years. The thing that I liked most about her was that you never had to wonder what she was thinking or how she felt about things. Some people loved her, others didn't. Her ashes will be sprinkled in the garden. It is a peaceful, quiet place. I think it is nice that she wanted her ashes there. She had planned her service from start to finish. She did not wish to burden her family in any way. She will be missed.

Work, work, work

Last Wednesday was the last day with the children at the Parent's Day Out. We all parted with tears of both happiness and sadness. My husband thinks I am nuts because I always come home on the last day of school with red eyes and a headache. He says I should be happy to have a break from the children. I don't think he understands that although a break is nice, I am truly going to miss them and some will be gone forever. I work in a Presbyterian Church and on top of being the Director of PDO, I am also the treasurer so I will still be there a lot this summer. So far this week we have had 2 funerals and numerous illnesses in the church so I feel that I have been there so much more than usual. The secretary and minister are on vacation next week so I will be there a lot next week as well. On top of this my father has been very ill and I need to be with him a lot. Between my parents I will be going to 3 Dr. appointments next week. I also have a home based business for training of child care teachers and directors. It is mostly done through the mail so I can do it at night when it is quiet. I am also trying to pull a seminar together on Shaken Baby Syndrome, SIDS and Infant Brain Development. I cannot find enough hours in the day. This is supposed to be a break but I am feeling so overwhelmed. I love everything that I do and am thankful for that but I need to add at least one more day to the week for about a month. Maybe then I could catch up. I am off to bed to lay there and think about what I didn't get done today. Sleep would be nice but I don't think I have time.

Last Day of Classes

I am the director of a Parent's Day Out program and today is our last day for the school year. We have a fun day planned. We will have a preschool graduation and parties in every class. I am going to buy McDonald's Happy Meals for all of the students today. It is a happy/sad day. We have several students that have been in the program since they were babies and now are going to go to Kindergarten. They and their families have become such a part of the program and have in fact become part of my family. I am hopeful that we will stay in touch and I can follow the progress of the children but it is a harsh reality that I will not hear from them all. The last day is always hard for me. I do not like saying goodbye. I am so fortunate to be able to work in a program like this that I love so much.

Trading Places

I have always heard that people come full circle and the parents that nurtured and raised me would someday become dependent upon me. I didn't think very much of it until the recent illness of my parents. My Mom is improving and my Dad is continuing his negative attitude. He shares it with everyone. I love my Dad very much but he has tested my last nerve in the past few days. Two days ago I had had all that I could take and I told him that he could not call me unless he could think of one positive thing to say. Well, I had no idea that he would take it to heart as he has. It seems that every time he has a bowel movement it is a reason to call me and tell me about it. That is the positive thing that he has chosen to share. Lucky me. I have the deepest respect for my Dad but now I have had to speak to him as if he were my child rather than my parent. I have to remind him that everything will be ok if he will just try to help it along. I have to tell him that we do not ever say "can't" but instead will say "I will try". I am telling him the things that he told me when I was a child. I feel like maybe in some strange way he may be testing me to see if I remember all of the things that he taught me. I do.

Elderly Parents

Oh how it hurts to see someone you love go through pain and discomfort. My parents were always so strong when my brothers and I were growing up. Now at 78 and 79 they are becoming more and more dependent and weak. For the past month my Dad has undergone a prostate procedure and a scope into his stomach to locate problems. He has 10+ ulcers and is having trouble pooping and peeing. As a result he is grumpy, uncomfortable, weak, and in general not well. In the midst of all of this my Mom is recovering from ATypical Pneumonia. I am trying to take care of both of them and keep my sanity and family together at the same time. I am tired. Then they find out that they have a leak in their slab under the house. They are going to have to come and stay at my home for a few days while this gets fixed. (My husband is thrilled...NOT). We will get through this. I know we will. I feel like whining as you can tell but mostly I need to sleep. My needs, however are on hold until some relief comes for my parents. I am also finding out how worthless brothers can be at times like this. I feel like an only child of four. Hopefully the next update will be more upbeat. I just needed to "tell" someone.

Sick Dad

My Dad is very ill. He has lost a tremendous amount of weight in the past two months, loss of appetite and says he feels full all of the time. My Dad has always been over 200 pounds and is now down in the 170's. I took him to the gastroenterologist and he did tests and sent us to a urologist who did a prostate procedure last Friday. With that came more discomfort but no relief with the stomach problems, constipation, etc. Now we find that he is very anemic and again with labs, etc. We have done a sonogram, CTScan, Xrays, bloodwork and still do not now what is going on. We go back again tomorrow to see if the cardiologist has cleared him for colonoscopy. We are afraid that he may have internal bleeding that is causing the anemia. I am so tired and frustrated that I do not know where to turn. Please say a prayer for my Dad. He is 79 years old but I still need him to be around for a while longer.

Empty Nest

I have loved every stage of my children growing up. My daughter is now 26, married and on her own with her husband. My son is 22, and has moved out with a friend. I knew that my daughter was going to get married and move out so I was prepared and although it was hard, I was still ok. I missed having her here at night when we used to have our heart to heart talks but I wanted her to have a life of her own and be happy. She left in August and they bought a house about 5 minutes from me. I see them often and my daughter and I talk every day, usually several times. My son was a different story. He left at the beginning of January without giving me any preparation time to adjust. He didn't even tell me he was moving until he was gone. It was very hard for me. I feel as though my husband and I were pushed into the empty nest too quickly. We at least have each other to lean on but it is still hard. I don't know why but it is at its worst when I go to the grocery store. I think that my grocery shopping was always revolving around my son because I have a very hard time buying for the two of us. At first it seemed that I was still buying for him and would send most of it home with him. I am getting better now and I am mostly just not doing much shopping. I guess I am wierd but I am having a rough transition. It is nice to spend time with my husband and we have seemed to be able to do more around the house together lately. Maybe it will bring us closer, who knows. I know that I miss my kids and if you have little ones, hug them and know that all that control that you have in their lives right now will end before you know it. I really miss being so important in their lives.

I have heard people talk about the empty nest as a wonderful time but for me, it has been very hard and heartbreaking at times. I am looking forward to the day that I can be more comfortable with it.